Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Six Years Ago

Six years ago, hijacked planes were flown into the Twin Towers in New York, the Pentagon in Virginia, and into a quiet field in rural Pennsylvania.

I was in Washington state, pregnant with my daughter, and my son wasn’t even a year old. I remember crying throughout the day and listening to NPR round the clock, wide awake through the dark and long hours of the night.

I couldn’t stop thinking about those voices in the rubble, silenced to a concrete and fiery death. I couldn’t stop thinking about the victim’s families: how they were thinking about the violent deaths of their loved ones, how they dared to hope for rescue, and how they all had to consider what the years ahead had to hold for them without that loved one.

I remember feeling sad and angry and scared for these people; I remember feeling that way for myself.

For the hours and days and weeks following the attack, my mind went to escape routes, shelters, to visions of myself protecting my children at all cost. What if I had to hole up in my house while foreign troops circled the perimeter? What if I had to flee to the hills with a blanket and a can of beans? How would we survive? On grass and berries and rabbits I’d snap in two with my bare hands? How would I even cook them?

I envisioned getting ahold of a gun, and played over scenes of violence and fury and desperation, where I went to my death protecting my children. Sometimes I was a lone sniper, picking off attackers; at others, I was stealth with a knife or a club. But none of these were safe or real options. I knew that.

I knew if I were being attacked, if my home was being invaded, my chances would be slim. I wondered if mothers in war-torn countries kept a small vial of poison to dab under the tongues of their children, and then their own, to avoid the prospect of torture. My mind went to that horror.

I don’t want to write these things, because to write that I’ve thought them is to wonder if I’d do them. 9/11 called into question my sanity, my sense of safety, my strength, and even the darkness of my own beating heart


Anonymous said...

My dear Anjie, you with the ability to word things so well: Your words bring it all back so clearly, especially because the thought of losing you and your dear husband and children makes my heart hurt.
I again weep...I remember being so numb with shock when I woke up to the radio announcement...it had just happened; I could hardly get out of bed...I was frozen, stunned. I had difficulty driving to work. Words cannot describe, and still at times I wonder that such a thing could happen.
But, yes, man's heart is dark (wicked). Even with the love of Jesus, my heart oft turns dark with hateful attitudes and thoughts that hurt others. And that too shocks and shames me when my mind 'suddenly' realizes it. I had begun to think "I am good". Not so, says Jesus in Mark 10:18 "No one is good except God alone." How wnderful that God sees our hearts and still loves us. We must pray for peace in each man's heart.
I could not help but pen this.
Keep up the writing. Love, Mom

anjie said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mom. I remember when you called me about it that morning. It was such an unfathomable event -- we were just stunned, weren't we?

Anonymous said...

I'm still stunned. Reliving the event 6 years hence was so difficult for me. And just think of the family and friends who actually REALLY experienced the death(s) of their loved one9(s). I'm get uncomfortable tingles in my body and tears are forming as I write these thoughts. I can hardly read through the blur. Sniffles.
Prayers going out to all of us touched by that horrific event. All I know is God didn't plan this but he allowed it. There's an immense spiritual ballte going on.He loves ALL of us, which even includes those who let their evil side take over and performed such atrocities. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH. I tremble as I know of God's love for us all. May we accept His love and pass it onto others.
Like your Mom, I too am shocked at times when an ugly thought comes into my mind about ???? I go, where did that come from? I immediately ask God for forgiveness and know I'm forgiven. I pray for those thoughts not to clutter my thinking again.
Well, life moves on. Mike just pulled up and is taking in our garbage cans.
Was really difficult to respond to your amazingly eloquent writing. Took awhile.
JJJ, Mom, Grammy
Have I told you all lately that I love you? and care? I DO and more importantly, GOD DOES.

jeremy said...

Nicely said Anj. I struggle from time to time with such thoughts of despiaration myself. I know in my heart that I never want to find myself in a position of voilence but I know in my body what I would need to do. Thank you for sharing that struggle.